Q: What's the Jewish football team's fight song?

A: "Get that Quarterback!"

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a "sniffing dog."

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposely next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy, and turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down by a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"Like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped in the middle seat, and proceeded to poop.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy, holy, holy! Obama Almighty!
On election day the dead will vote for Thee;
Holy, holy, holy, merciless and mighty!
The One now come in Person, for the DNC!

Holy, holy, holy! The MSM adores Thee,
Casting off their ethics and objectivity;
All of their reporters falling down before Thee,
They your willing servants evermore shall be.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,strip malls, subdivisions.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.trials were a prime example.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the s**t out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a garbage truck."

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

A police officer pulls me over, comes up to the window and asks, "You drinkin'?"

I looked up at him and replied, "You buyin'?"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air,and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

I took a speed reading course and read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen